Answering the question: How have you made it this far in life?

How have you made it this far in life? Is a question I hear often. It is not a question of how I have succeeded in my life, it is a question of how I have succeeded in not getting myself into serious injury. 

This is something that comes into debate with many of my colleagues. My boss often sits at his desk exasperated saying how have you managed to move countries? While my other colleague pipes up how were you even allowed into the country? 

My most recent escapade I got myself into is probably my best yet, to which people were even surprised that I did this. Normally when I tell someone of a clumsy story, or seeing me tripping over air, people don’t even raise an eyebrow. 

I had been out hiking on my days off, and of course I had my bear spray with me, (you already know where this is going), I go out, and like every time I have my bear spray safely in my bag. Or so I thought. 

That evening, I had heard my bag fall onto the floor, so naturally I went and picked it up. As I turned away I suddenly started to feel something burning in my throat, and I was coughing uncontrollably. My eyes were watering, and I started to feel a little disoriented. I had absolutely no idea what was going on, until I turned around and saw spray marks on the floor. 

I had walked into bear spray. I know I surprised some people in doing this, but really did not surprise myself. I think the thought that went across my mind was “oh of course I did”. 

My safety tag on the spray can had somehow come off, (Don’t. Even), and when my bag fell to the floor it had obviously gone off slightly. 

Lesson #1: when transporting the spray between places, keep the bear spray in a secure location, not loose in your bag. (English Rookie)

So after I had managed to get my coughing and panic under control, I cleared things up a little and I went to bed. End of story. 

However, this is me, and the story of course continues. The next day I grabbed my mask that was sitting in a basket in the kitchen and went to work. A couple of hours into my shift I started to feel strange, I was getting disoriented, and my throat was feeling funny. I did not understand what was going on, it got to a point where I was keeling over in the back office thinking I am going to pass out. 

Funny story with bear spray, it travels far, it had got on one of my masks and I had been micro-dosing it all afternoon. I truly feel that this is where I raised the bar in my clumsiness. 

I cleaned my apartment so thoroughly that I thought I might not be choking on the spray anymore but will be choking on the cleaning chemical fumes, 

Lesson #2 Even though it went off slightly, think about quarantining the area and clean thoroughly. On further research of cleaning up bear spray, use vinegar. 

Most people when they come into contact with bear spray is because they are gallantly fighting off a bear. I just do it in my living room.  

I did not tell my mother for a while, but when I did I soon got a text from my brother:

“Soooo… bear spray. Mum text me, I just wanted to check she got the facts straight as the story sounds unbelievable”

My best friend had the perfect way of describing of how she feels my death would go and the mystery I will create:

“You’re the sort of person who would end up on forensic files because they left a loaded gun in their bag and somehow it went off and they shot themselves in a locked room and it’s a big mystery how she got shot from the other side of the room. How did the murderer escape? It wasn’t suicide because the gun was on the other side of the room?”

When people ask of how I made it this far in life being this clumsy, the answer is simple, it is because I am the most experienced in being so.